the thing about physical pain is that it hurts for a bit then it goes numb and goes away.

"you can trust me" she said. eyes looking past my shoulder.

it's becoming a habit. I don't think i like that but meh, i can deal. I think.

dear sense of guilt or anger or whatever. Stop fucking around with me.

that one step that i don't take because of fear.

stay. Is something i wish i had said to many people around me but never managed to.


stay.

growing up

I think by the time i'd come to realise that i had to grow up, it was already to late. When does the childhood enjoyment end? Not to mention, a childhood will exist whether enjoyable or not.

They always said i was a sensible person. Am i really? And, is this really a blessing? Being aware of the consequences, fearing the future.

So i saw you crying across the table and you said that you don't want to be lonely any more. Being myself and knowing my position, i couldn't say or do anything. But you know, you're not the only lonely person. It's okay for you to cry. I shan't though because someone has to pretend that all is well and play that naive child.

so i had this confession about one of my habits. truthfully a little light headed and hands are shaky because of side effects but meh.

I don't really know how to deal. As in, there are so many things i cannot really cope with. When things get too complicated and noisy i just shut down. Y'know like, my brain doesn't work anymore and i have to sit down and close my eyes. I don't understand what i need to do. It's like, some times i want to cry and not do anything anymore. It's not me to take things lightly. I'm the thinker. But when i get lost i just cannot deal. what should i do? I'm afraid to do so much yet i still want to try.

D: really just. D:

 you know it's time for bed when you start wallowing in self pity.

i've been giving out alot of comfort hugs lately. Though i don't get hugged back.

i want a hug too. =/

that kid

Sometimes cliches are there not because they're overused but because they're the most routine things.
Ever realise that the most cliched things are the best things to do?

It occurred to me recently that i'm one of those kids who does cliched things.

-standing in front of the mirror practicing how to smile
-going out to look for rainbows when it rains. Or, waltzing in the rain just because.
-sitting in the hot shower
-lies down in a field to look at the sky. Grass is nice to sleep on.
the list extends.

I don't want to use sleep as a form of escapism though i'm already a master escapist.
Somehow i keep feeling the need to talk to someone, anyone. Rather, there's this gap i need to fill but no matter what i do, i can't seem to fill this void. why.

--that kid who literally stops and smells the roses.

just tell me how to do it and i will. I mean, i want to do it, i just don't know how to. tell me.

woots. no kidding.
okay that was really stupid.

My existence got thanked. How flippin' awesome is that.
I'm going to bask in contentedness for awhile.

should i attempt to be a better person?

whywhywhywhywhy

Why is it that i have to pretend to be something i'm not. Why do i have to smile when i'm not even the slightest bit happy. Why do i have to tell them i'm okay when i'm not. Why am i so selfish. Why can i not help anyone. Why can i not answer their questions. why am i so goddamn ugly. Why am i so useless. Why am i so crap at everything. Why can't everyone be happy. WHY CANT I JUST CRY. I sit there and i want to cry but i just can't. Can't. Want to scream , why can't i.
why is my nose blocked, my throat tight but i still cannot cry and this sadness won't go away.

why can't i get along with people.

i try really really hard.
to do things. i keep failing.

they fight like children.
i don't want to take sides. Feels like i'm being pushed to pick.

it's not working.
where is my comfort.
sad. sad. worried.
when will things get better. why aren't things getting better.

where can i go. who can i turn to.

just freaking why.

about fitting in and making friends.

today:

" Be yourself."
"okay i will."

" hang on, that's not going to work."

i mean, i'm not going to be liked if i was myself . Nor am i going to be liked if i'm not. 

I should just give up on this fitting-in in school thing.

" deception and perfection are wonderful traits. One will breed love, the other, hate."--marina

which breeds which, i wonder?

it's like, you try to ignore it. but then the guilt still piles up.
In war there's always a winning and losing side. I think the ones who walk the line lose the most. You see the winning side celebrate and pick up the carnage while the loser suffers but pick themselves up and hope for a better tomorrow. Both go through hard times but the ones in the middle have no where to return to and nothing to hope for.

i hope i'll be able to do things right one day.

insecure.

tuesday.

Bought books today. Lied about the number

Got something else today. Left it out in the recollection of daily events. Purposefully.

Feeling guilty that i don't feel guilty.

went out for lunch today. It was interesting and i was strangely happy. Best not to doubt the intentions behind the lunch.

listened to someone today. Because you know how some people just want to be heard out? yeah, listened to one of those people. 

"______, I honestly don't need any advice or anyone's advice or opinions. I just need someone to be there. That's all." said he.

If only everyone were so clear with their intentions so i know what kind of response to give.

Today was a day in which i told many lies.

talked to a someone today, helped a little with the schoolwork. i hoped i helped.

talked to another person today it's enjoyable. I want to hear more. And talk more.

i hope i'm not being seen as a child who needs to be entertained.

everyone's so busy i wish they'd talk more to me. 

Maybe they don't want to be with the boring person.

Realised i'm too big to fit under the table anymore. It's been years since i last did that. Hurrah puberty! gotta find another place to squeeze into. they shifted the bed to meet the couch. There's no more space there anymore for me to sit and hide. y'know cuz small areas offer comfort. more safety in a small cupboard than a dark open field where you don't know what's lurking.

Many things.

It's been awhile. I guess, many things have changed. I've become more selfish a person. More apathetic towards life in general. Basically I'd say I've regressed into a shell of what I once was. Essentially i'm the same person i've always been. I'm just tired from trying so hard.

Okay so this post is going to be like a sandwich; it's going to start with a happy thing, then onto something not so much, and lastly something happy again. Because we all want a happy end, no?

Ladies and gentlemen, in not so recent news, I-- circa have been listening to music that i actually like. Mika, Ellie goulding, Nujabes, Skrillex, Ben Howard, Bee Gees and such. So it's pretty cool that I don't have to listen to what people dictate anymore.

Let's see, how should I start. ( I believe this is going to turn into a rant and probably some confessions.)

note, things from this point on are going to be really messy.

SO, I'm a selfish person. I get that. Sometimes i really do want to care but if you show that you do, you end up used and left on the shelf--waiting for the next person to show up. The cycle repeats. Like, somewhere along the line, i decided that i didn't want that anymore. Because to care is to open yourself to others and let them see your vulnerabilities. As with everything else, there is a price to pay. It's not as if i don't want to trust others. Better to trust then disappointed than doubt and be disappointed. I wish i could continue doing that but i keep being disappointed. It just doesn't work that way I can't bring myself to trust people fully. More like, i do want to trust. I really do. It seems that nowadays i find myself more and more confused. I don't know who to trust. Who's words should i trust. The best liars are always the most honest people. I don't even trust myself. I hope to be able to do so one day and maybe someday, they'll trust me too. To quote marina, " you've been hanging with the unloved kids. So you're never really liked and you're never trusted."

There have been many things that i fear. The only things that has changed since then and now is the fact that my fears now seem louder (pardon the word choice). I've always been paranoid but now i keep worrying. Worrying over trivial matters, worrying over everything. Sleep has been affected. And to get through with most things, i just feint indifference. I don't think many people know that. So many insecurities. Ultimately, probably trying to search for some comfort. (note, sitting in corners is pretty nice)

I think i'm doing a pretty good job though. With pertinence to issues like self-confidence and hanging around people. I mean, sure i'd love to express myself better. However i'm too self conscious for that. Things like wearing dresses and such. Better to hide my fat ugly legs than walk around in a dress. Jackets--they provide this sense of security. Sometimes i walk around without a jacket. It pleases my mother. She thinks it's weird to walk around outside in the afternoon with a jacket on. Calls me crazy. But hey, i like my jackets.

She thinks i'm crazy. Everything that i do that is not to her liking makes me mentally unsound by her standards. Keeps pushing me towards doing things that i don't ever want to do. Judging everything i do, everything everyone else does. In the end all the unhappiness could have been easily solved. Wants me to see a psychiatrist. I think not. They sit in their clinics seeing so many people loading all their problems onto them. Furthermore, i don't trust them.

Sometimes I wish that my existence was something more concrete. It's like i don't actually exist. Struggling to exist here on earth. I don't regret the choices i've made, i still don't hate and i find it really easy to forgive others. I don't hold any grudges against others. I guess that's pretty good, eh. I mean, if there's anyone to blame it should be myself.

Sometimes i feel like crying over things. But recently each time the tears fill my eyes i stop. I don't know why, maybe it's cuz i don't want anybody to know. I want to be able to wail freely. I'm quite sure that day will come eventually. When there truly is nobody near enough to hear or call  to know.

 I'm not a necessity.
I wish i were but even if i weren't here nothing would change. Day to day activities would still go on, no one would actually miss me. I still wish i'm wrong but that hasn't been the case.
With relevance to this, i've thought suicide over multiple times. Seriously, who doesn't. It might be easier to just escape that way. I'm afraid though, i'm afraid of pain. I honestly respect those who have the guts to do it. I still want to see the world, i want to explore, learn and experience many things. I'm sure i'm causing inconvenience to the people around me so i need to do more things on my own. Walking on my own can't be that hard. I won't let it become too hard.

Fact; i don't want to hurt others. I keep breaking things, people get hurt by me. I do try to give them what they want. But what about me? Why do i keep getting unnoticed.

And so we've reached the other end of the sandwich. On to happier things (i hope).

I've been drawing more recently but the improvement is still painfully slow.

I sleep easier now but that doesn't mean i sleep easy.

Some people know i like people with glasses. They don't know just how much i Like people with glasses. Which is a good thing haha.

Recently, i've met people whom i realise i want to keep. I fear growing too close to them because all good things come to an end. Everyone's so busy. I don't want to this to end. I do have a best friend and i really do cherish her. ( Obviously i'm never going to say that to her because i'm too manly for that. Hah.)
Though she doesn't think about little things as much as i do and her methods differ from mine. I guess, to love(?) someone may be enjoying their quirks and things they do? I have no idea. And i don't mean loving someone in *that* way. Nonetheless, shouldn't it be essentially the same thing? maybe one day i'll be able to say that i love someone and not feel self-conscious saying it or guilty like how i sometimes say that to my parents when i know the things they've just said are lies hahaha.

watt is love,
baby dont hertz me
dont hertz me
no morse.
cracks me up every time.

In recent news, I'm enjoying talking to someone. It feels pretty good to finally be able to share my thoughts on uh, heavier topics with another person. It might become some kind of dependency thing considering that I actually look forward to talking now. I hope this doesn't end too. I don't want to annoy him with my complaints or bore him. Heaven knows i'm an incredibly boring person. I wish he'd stop taking the gamble he takes. I wish i could help him feel better. Maybe if i dispensed better medicine in the form of books.
Most of the time talking to other people is:
a) kindda stressful because i don't want to upset them so i tread carefully.
b) distracting. which is helpful because you enter this temporary happy bubble.

I don't think that living is a chore really. As cliched as this may sound, I'm really grateful to have been born. I wouldn't trade the experiences i've had for anything. Not a single one.

I guess this is about it for now. Funny how i'm okay talking behind a computer screen to people who don't know who i actually am. I'm pretty confident no one reads this blog anyway.

I feel like i'm still misunderstood by many, but things are getting better. I think i've never actually given up searching but i'm tired and i think it's okay to take a short break. If i can allow myself to take a short break. The sun still rises the next day, and i'm going to keep searching anyway.


tldr: I'm going to keep walking on. looking forward and not regretting anything. The future is always bright. There is much to do.