Many things.

It's been awhile. I guess, many things have changed. I've become more selfish a person. More apathetic towards life in general. Basically I'd say I've regressed into a shell of what I once was. Essentially i'm the same person i've always been. I'm just tired from trying so hard.

Okay so this post is going to be like a sandwich; it's going to start with a happy thing, then onto something not so much, and lastly something happy again. Because we all want a happy end, no?

Ladies and gentlemen, in not so recent news, I-- circa have been listening to music that i actually like. Mika, Ellie goulding, Nujabes, Skrillex, Ben Howard, Bee Gees and such. So it's pretty cool that I don't have to listen to what people dictate anymore.

Let's see, how should I start. ( I believe this is going to turn into a rant and probably some confessions.)

note, things from this point on are going to be really messy.

SO, I'm a selfish person. I get that. Sometimes i really do want to care but if you show that you do, you end up used and left on the shelf--waiting for the next person to show up. The cycle repeats. Like, somewhere along the line, i decided that i didn't want that anymore. Because to care is to open yourself to others and let them see your vulnerabilities. As with everything else, there is a price to pay. It's not as if i don't want to trust others. Better to trust then disappointed than doubt and be disappointed. I wish i could continue doing that but i keep being disappointed. It just doesn't work that way I can't bring myself to trust people fully. More like, i do want to trust. I really do. It seems that nowadays i find myself more and more confused. I don't know who to trust. Who's words should i trust. The best liars are always the most honest people. I don't even trust myself. I hope to be able to do so one day and maybe someday, they'll trust me too. To quote marina, " you've been hanging with the unloved kids. So you're never really liked and you're never trusted."

There have been many things that i fear. The only things that has changed since then and now is the fact that my fears now seem louder (pardon the word choice). I've always been paranoid but now i keep worrying. Worrying over trivial matters, worrying over everything. Sleep has been affected. And to get through with most things, i just feint indifference. I don't think many people know that. So many insecurities. Ultimately, probably trying to search for some comfort. (note, sitting in corners is pretty nice)

I think i'm doing a pretty good job though. With pertinence to issues like self-confidence and hanging around people. I mean, sure i'd love to express myself better. However i'm too self conscious for that. Things like wearing dresses and such. Better to hide my fat ugly legs than walk around in a dress. Jackets--they provide this sense of security. Sometimes i walk around without a jacket. It pleases my mother. She thinks it's weird to walk around outside in the afternoon with a jacket on. Calls me crazy. But hey, i like my jackets.

She thinks i'm crazy. Everything that i do that is not to her liking makes me mentally unsound by her standards. Keeps pushing me towards doing things that i don't ever want to do. Judging everything i do, everything everyone else does. In the end all the unhappiness could have been easily solved. Wants me to see a psychiatrist. I think not. They sit in their clinics seeing so many people loading all their problems onto them. Furthermore, i don't trust them.

Sometimes I wish that my existence was something more concrete. It's like i don't actually exist. Struggling to exist here on earth. I don't regret the choices i've made, i still don't hate and i find it really easy to forgive others. I don't hold any grudges against others. I guess that's pretty good, eh. I mean, if there's anyone to blame it should be myself.

Sometimes i feel like crying over things. But recently each time the tears fill my eyes i stop. I don't know why, maybe it's cuz i don't want anybody to know. I want to be able to wail freely. I'm quite sure that day will come eventually. When there truly is nobody near enough to hear or call  to know.

 I'm not a necessity.
I wish i were but even if i weren't here nothing would change. Day to day activities would still go on, no one would actually miss me. I still wish i'm wrong but that hasn't been the case.
With relevance to this, i've thought suicide over multiple times. Seriously, who doesn't. It might be easier to just escape that way. I'm afraid though, i'm afraid of pain. I honestly respect those who have the guts to do it. I still want to see the world, i want to explore, learn and experience many things. I'm sure i'm causing inconvenience to the people around me so i need to do more things on my own. Walking on my own can't be that hard. I won't let it become too hard.

Fact; i don't want to hurt others. I keep breaking things, people get hurt by me. I do try to give them what they want. But what about me? Why do i keep getting unnoticed.

And so we've reached the other end of the sandwich. On to happier things (i hope).

I've been drawing more recently but the improvement is still painfully slow.

I sleep easier now but that doesn't mean i sleep easy.

Some people know i like people with glasses. They don't know just how much i Like people with glasses. Which is a good thing haha.

Recently, i've met people whom i realise i want to keep. I fear growing too close to them because all good things come to an end. Everyone's so busy. I don't want to this to end. I do have a best friend and i really do cherish her. ( Obviously i'm never going to say that to her because i'm too manly for that. Hah.)
Though she doesn't think about little things as much as i do and her methods differ from mine. I guess, to love(?) someone may be enjoying their quirks and things they do? I have no idea. And i don't mean loving someone in *that* way. Nonetheless, shouldn't it be essentially the same thing? maybe one day i'll be able to say that i love someone and not feel self-conscious saying it or guilty like how i sometimes say that to my parents when i know the things they've just said are lies hahaha.

watt is love,
baby dont hertz me
dont hertz me
no morse.
cracks me up every time.

In recent news, I'm enjoying talking to someone. It feels pretty good to finally be able to share my thoughts on uh, heavier topics with another person. It might become some kind of dependency thing considering that I actually look forward to talking now. I hope this doesn't end too. I don't want to annoy him with my complaints or bore him. Heaven knows i'm an incredibly boring person. I wish he'd stop taking the gamble he takes. I wish i could help him feel better. Maybe if i dispensed better medicine in the form of books.
Most of the time talking to other people is:
a) kindda stressful because i don't want to upset them so i tread carefully.
b) distracting. which is helpful because you enter this temporary happy bubble.

I don't think that living is a chore really. As cliched as this may sound, I'm really grateful to have been born. I wouldn't trade the experiences i've had for anything. Not a single one.

I guess this is about it for now. Funny how i'm okay talking behind a computer screen to people who don't know who i actually am. I'm pretty confident no one reads this blog anyway.

I feel like i'm still misunderstood by many, but things are getting better. I think i've never actually given up searching but i'm tired and i think it's okay to take a short break. If i can allow myself to take a short break. The sun still rises the next day, and i'm going to keep searching anyway.


tldr: I'm going to keep walking on. looking forward and not regretting anything. The future is always bright. There is much to do.